Guilt
by Julia451
Summary: One-shot. There's a lot of hate in the fandom for Mako, but does he deserve it all? What is he really guilty of? Mako asks himself that very question the night he watches Korra and Asami leave for the Spirit World. Set just after "The Last Stand." Korrasami, although they don't appear. Rated T for safety only (1 suggestive line). SPOILERS


_**Author's Note:**__ One sentence here might require some explanation. Based on what we saw regarding Mai and Zuko in "Nightmares and Daydreams," and Sokka and Suki in "The Southern Raiders," my theory is that if any of the teenaged couples in __**The Legend of Korra**__ had been sleeping together, it would have been obvious._

* * *

"So, how long have you known?"

Mako's head snapped up as he turned, his eyes wide with shock, to his brother. Crazy thoughts of denial and feigning ignorance, images of himself saying "I don't know what you're talking about!" flashed through his mind, only to be dismissed as hopeless within a second or two. He sighed (not in sorrow or shame, merely in resignation) and narrowed his eyes, gathering his strength for the conversation he knew he couldn't escape. "How did you know I know?"

"I heard you give Korra The Speech," Bolin said matter-of-factly, making the capital letters perfectly audible.

"What speech?" Mako asked sincerely.

"The speech a guy gives a girl he likes when he knows she's found someone else, and he wants her to know that he's happy to see her happy and wishes her the best with her new love."

"I didn't say any of that."

"Not in those exact words, but that's what you meant." Mako didn't contradict him but sighed again, albeit with a smile, wishing he could cross his arms. Bolin followed his brother's gaze across the hall, out the window, past the veranda, and to the spirit portal shining in the distance, where they had watched their two friends disappear less than an hour ago. "So... how long have you known?" he repeated.

There was a noticeable pause before Mako finally said, "Since the reunion dinner," his voice, in spite of his smile, heavy with something that was neither resentment nor pain. "I could tell something was going on, although, actually, I don't think _they_ did at that point."

"I can't believe I didn't see it coming." Mako could understand that – Bolin had always been the love expert in the family. "Well, you know them both better than I do."

"Not too sure about that," Mako admitted, still grinning, never taking his eyes off the portal. "I'm not surprised, though. I knew this wouldn't end with Korra and me getting back together. I could tell what she wanted, and I hoped she'd go for it."

Bolin grinned as well. "Looks like your encouragement worked. Congratulations." He was silent for a bit before asking, "You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, I... I know you care about Korra..."

Mako turned his head aside. "Yeah, I love her, I always will." Nothing his brother didn't already know. He was happy for them both, but he couldn't help feeling… lonely. That was it. Pointless. "You can't always get what you want. I'm not the first. I'll live – no man ever died from not getting the girl."

"No, but I just thought... I mean, since she... since they... you've gotta admit, this isn't exactly... that is, the circumstances are kind of..." Bolin gave up whatever he was trying to say. There was another pause before he whispered, "What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"This. Seeing... them... you know...?"

"I'm happy for them."

"I know, and so does Korra, but... I mean... isn't it kind of weird?"

"What, this kind of thing never happened to you before?" With all the fangirls Bolin courted before Korra came along, the odds of it seemed very favorable to Mako.

Bolin burst out laughing as he answered, "_No!_ The most awkward thing a girl ever did to me was kiss my brother in front of me!"

"Well, for the record, I didn't enjoy that incident any more than you did."

Bolin cleared his throat and managed to get a hold of himself. "Sorry. I know. That's ancient history." He covered his mouth as he laughed once more, although Mako failed to recall any humor in that event. "We all acted like idiots then. All three of us."

Mako's last trace of a smile melted into a wistful frown. "Everyone except Asami." She had been the only blameless player in that entire stupid affair. He couldn't help but respect how calm, steady, levelheaded, and just she'd remained throughout the whole fiasco, like she always did; although his feelings for her had never been as hot and exciting as the passionate love he'd felt for Korra, he missed that. How could he have lost them both?

This depressing train of thought was halted by Bolin asking, "You worried?"

"About what?"

"What they're talking about right now, what it'll be like when they get back, being in the same room with both of them after this..." Bolin crossed his arms and grinned mischievously. "I'd be worried if it were me."

Mako shrugged nonchalantly. "I've got nothing to worry about."

Bolin laughed again. "Admirable show of fortitude, big brother, after..."

Something about the way he stopped himself made Mako turn to him with his eyebrow raised in suspicion. "After... what? After what?"

"After what you..." He quickly backtracked. "After what happened between you guys."

The Firebender glared at him. "You mean, after I blew it with both of them?"

"Well... yeah," Bolin admitted nervously.

Mako groaned in frustration. "You want to remind me how I disappointed them both? I've had this conversation already. I know what happened. I had it great – twice – and ruined it – twice. I've got no one to blame but myself. I'm a selfish, thoughtless jerk, and everyone knows it."

"That's not what I was gonna say..."

"Why not? Everyone else does." He knew what people thought of him. Everyone who knew the story saw him as the villain, someone who recklessly broke two innocent girls' hearts and deserved to lose them. They'd loved him, trusted him, and he'd let them down. Betrayed them both. He was a liar and a cheater who didn't care about anyone's feelings but his own. Everything was his fault. So everyone said. And he had to ignore the voice screaming from the back of his head that it wasn't fair, insisting that Korra deserved some and possibly even more blame than he did. He had no right to listen to it, to think it was unjust to charge him and only him with every offense in the case. He'd done wrong by both girls, and he had no right to blame anyone else for his mistakes. It was his fault and his alone that he'd lost the two greatest, most beautiful women on the planet... so why did something inside him keep telling him...?

"It's not your fault. Not all of it."

Mako knew Bolin meant well, but it was the last thing he needed to hear right now. He couldn't allow himself to start thinking that way. "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

"It doesn't matter," Mako tried to say dismissively. "It was years ago."

"Then why do you still feel guilty?"

Why did he? What did he even have to feel guilty about? What crimes had he committed exactly? What had he really done back then...? Mako shook his head, clearing it of the dangerous questions. "I don't. I haven't thought about it for years. Just drop it, okay?" As soon as the world learned how the story ended, he'd be the third person the press would mob, and he had to be prepared to face the humiliating jokes he knew were coming. He'd put all this behind him years ago! Now he had to start living with the guilt again.

"Well, Asami got her revenge on me, all right!" The boys didn't even have time to brace themselves before Varrick stormed in between them and threw an arm around each of their shoulders, causing Mako to wince. "Sorry, buddy. Upstaged at my own wedding... well, guess I deserve it. That should make us even."

"You know?" Bolin gasped in surprise.

Varrick leaned close to him (as he apparently thought was a rule for talking to people) as he answered, "They weren't exactly hiding it, were they? Everyone saw them leave together, and everyone told everyone. You think they're talking about how great the bride and groom looked, or wondering how much the ring cost, or betting on how many kids we'll have? Nope, all they care about now is who the Avatar chose as her new paramour. And I don't blame them." His customary grin widened. "Unbelievable! I've got to admit, I did _not_ see that coming!"

"That's just what I was saying..." Bolin tried to say.

Varrick didn't seem to have heard him. "Well, if I weren't a married man, I would say I can't blame either of them. They deserve each other. Zhu Li says the ladies of Republic City have been joking about it for years but never thought it would actually happen. Who would? Betcha half the people who read it in the papers tomorrow think it's a gag story. Wonder how it happened." He leaned closer to Mako. "What did you do to them?"

It was meant in complete jest, but it still made something within Mako snap. Varrick had said to his face what people had been saying behind his back for years. He was tired of ignoring the injustice of it all. He shook himself free (as roughly as he could with one arm) with no explanation other than, "I need to meditate."

To Varrick's credit, he caught up with Mako as he reached the foot of a staircase, gave him three tall candles (still in their holders) he'd swiped from one of the dessert tables, and told him where he could find an empty room; evidently, he thought a grumpy Firebender at a wedding reception was a problem that should be dealt with as quickly as possible.

Mako easily found the room Varrick directed him to on the second floor. He didn't notice anything about it except that it was dark, had one window facing a starlit sky (on the opposite side of the building as the portal, so he wouldn't have that to distract him), and empty of people. He didn't know what it was for and didn't care. He set up as quickly as possible with one usable arm, took a deep breath, and sat down.

After taking another deep breath to center himself, Mako lit the candles and closed his eyes. He should have done this years ago, when the gossip first started. He'd brushed it off, ignored it, and, for a long time, he'd all but forgotten about it. But the sense of injustice was still there, buried deep down, only to be unearthed by tonight's sudden turn of events. Maybe it was better this way – he should be able to analyze things more objectively from this distance. Theoretically.

His plan was to replay in his mind everything that had happened between them and stop and ask himself questions about his motives and actions at every crucial step. He thought long and hard before he answered each question, carefully going over every thought and emotion he'd experienced at the time, looking at every scene from every possible angle to get a clear picture.

Where to start? When had it all started? _"My name's Asami." _He watched that scene unfold in his head, every detail as clear as if just happened today. Had he been wrong to go out with her that night? To keep seeing her afterwards? No – he'd liked her. He knew within the first moments of meeting her that she was beautiful, kind, honorable, interesting (he'd never seen a girl drive like that!), and a fan of Pro-Bending. He'd wanted to accept her offer. He enjoyed that first dinner with her. He'd wanted to see her again, not just because of her famous father but because they had so much in common and she was so much fun to talk with, something he'd certainly never experienced with a girl before.

He knew some people assumed he'd only gone out with her because she was rich with a famous father. Was any of that true? Not at all. The thought of her or her father helping him and his team enter the tournament had _never_ occurred to him – nobody was more surprised by the sponsorship offer than he was. But did he stay with Asami afterwards out of some sense of obligation? Of course not! Such a plan would have occurred to Bolin before it occurred to him! Besides, she never would have wanted, demanded, or accepted such an arrangement anyway – let people jump to whatever conclusions they wanted about him, but _no one_ could argue that Asami was that type of girl!

So he knew going out with Asami in the first place hadn't been wrong – he'd genuinely liked her as much as she'd liked him. He hadn't started dating her under false pretenses or misled her about his feelings or intentions. So far, he'd done nothing to feel guilty about, and they had been happy together. So when did it all go wrong?

"_I really like you, and I think we were made for each other!"_ That was the first sign he got of trouble. He had _never_ suspected that was coming. Was it wrong that he hadn't seen it, picked up on it somehow? No – it wasn't his responsibility to be on the lookout for any signs a girl liked him (he certainly hadn't had the vanity that would make such vigilance necessary!). Had he done anything to make Korra think he liked her and would welcome such advances? No, and he had Bolin's behavior at the time to provide a clear contrast.

But even if he hadn't asked for it, had he _wanted_ it? He remembered his conversation with Bolin the night before, where he'd tried to talk him out of dating Korra. Had he already been jealous? Looking back on it now, he had to admit he probably was, but he honestly hadn't known that at the time. But even if he hadn't recognized his displeasure at the thought of Bolin with Korra as jealousy, didn't the fact that he'd felt it meant he had already been developing feelings for Korra while he was dating Asami? Knowing what he knew now, he had to say, yes, he must have, but again, he honestly hadn't known it at the time. He'd never bothered to look at girls like that before; if he'd been subconsciously attracted to Korra at the time, he hadn't known it, hadn't recognized his feelings for her as romantic attraction. Consciously, he'd chosen Asami and decided Korra was _"more like a pal."_

So, in light of what he'd wanted at the time, to be Asami's boyfriend and Korra's friend, had he handled Korra's confession the right way? How had he responded? _"Korra, I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same way about you."_ Was it wrong to tell her that? Only if it was a lie. Consciously, it wasn't. He didn't feel the same way about Korra then; he didn't want to be with her, and he told her the truth gently. He couldn't have responded any other way, no matter how it made her feel. He'd done nothing wrong there.

So why was that when the trouble started? Why didn't it end there? It might have ended there if he hadn't confronted her the next night about going out with his brother. Had he been wrong to try to stop her? It all depended on his motive. If he'd told her off because he could see she was leading his brother on and getting his hopes up for nothing, he'd been right; if he'd told her off because he was jealous but lying about it, he was wrong. So what had it been? It turned out she _had_ led him on, and Bolin _had_ gotten hurt, but was that just a coincidence? Had that been his primary concern all along? No – he'd been jealous, and the only just, logical reaction would have been to break up with Asami and confess he did want to be with Korra. That was his first offense: since he'd chosen to stay with the wonderful girl he had, he'd had no right to interfere in his brother's or his friend's love life. But since subsequent events proved his warning right, he couldn't feel guilty about telling Korra she'd had no right to take advantage of Bolin's feelings for her – regardless of _his_ motive, Korra was even guiltier on that point. If Mako hadn't confronted her, Bolin most likely still would have gotten hurt, but if Korra hadn't gone out with him, misleading him and getting his hopes up, he wouldn't have.

Bolin was the first one to get hurt. When? The kiss later that night. The kiss – who was the guilty party there? He didn't initiate the kiss – Korra did. He hadn't even been expecting it. He certainly hadn't gone to talk to her intending to kiss her or get one from her. He hadn't kissed another girl – he'd been kissed by one. Korra had been the active kisser; he had been the passive recipient of her kiss. He'd taken no action, made no move, that invited or caused the kiss to happen. So he was _not_ guilty of going out and intentionally, willingly, and happily kissing another girl behind his girlfriend's back.

But when it happened, what would have been the proper response on his part? What was the right way to react when someone kissed you when you didn't want it? When you were already spoken for? He could have backed instantly away and screamed, "What do you think you're doing?!", but he had a feeling that would have just earned him accusations of rudeness and insensitivity. Why _hadn't_ he reacted that way? Because he'd wanted the kiss? Enjoyed it? No – because he'd been stunned. (If he'd liked it, since he'd known Korra liked him, too, they would have gotten together then and there.) He was caught completely off guard and had no idea how to react, so he didn't react at all, just froze and did nothing.

Would jumping back at the first contact of Korra's lips against his own have made him less guilty in Asami's eyes? No – she'd known that he hadn't kissed Korra, that Korra had kissed him. That wasn't what made her angry; it was the fact that he'd lied to her. A lie by omission (he hadn't actively denied under questioning that the kiss happened, he just hadn't told her about it), but still a lie. That was his second offense. Why hadn't he told her about it? Because he'd wanted to keep the perks of dating one girl while pursuing another? No – he hadn't begun pursuing Korra behind Asami's back. So why hadn't he told her? Because he didn't want to lose her. He could now see that, rationally, he'd had no reason to fear Asami would break up with him if she'd found out Korra had kissed him, but fear isn't based on rationality. He'd still liked Asami then, and he'd liked being with her; she'd done nothing to deserve being hurt, and after seeing what the kiss had done to Bolin, Mako had had no desire to let that kiss cause any more trouble. He'd wanted to forget it ever happened, so he'd pretended it hadn't. Was that wrong? Yes, but although he was guilty in that case of lying by omission, he _wasn't_ guilty of cheating on Asami. Once again, Korra was still the guiltier party – guiltier in the sense that she was the one primarily responsible, not in the sense that her guilt was greater than his, since she hadn't owed Asami anything and, therefore, couldn't offend her. That was why Asami had gotten angry at him for the lie and not at Korra for the kiss.

_Either that, or she was already starting to like her, and was mad at me for kissing Korra_. Mako couldn't tell if the thought was comforting or not.

But Asami had been mad at him for more than that. His attitude when Korra went missing. Had he been wrong to be so worried about her? To care so much about finding her? Of course not. He had been wrong to deny those feelings. Why had he refused to admit them even when Asami directly asked him? _"Do you have feelings for Korra or not?"_ He should have truthfully answered, Yes, and ended it. Instead, he'd lied – to both of the girls _and_ to himself. That was his third offense. Why had he done it? Not to play both girls, to sport with their affections for fun. He had never happily and willingly led them on, toying with their emotions for his own amusement or a quick thrill. He had never been motivated by pride or lust like some shameless womanizer. So what had he wanted? What had he hoped to gain by refusing to confess his feelings for Korra and not breaking it off with Asami? Nothing – he hadn't been trying to gain anything from either girl; he had simply been trying to avoid conflict.

Did his feelings for Korra at that time, his concern for her, count as cheating on Asami? No. He and Korra hadn't hooked up behind her back for secret rendezvous in the park or sneaked off alone to kiss. (Thank the spirits he never slept with either of them!) He couldn't help that he'd fallen for another girl – that wasn't a crime. Refusing to admit it – that was a crime. Asami had done nothing to deserve that. He hadn't _meant_ to hurt her (hadn't he tried to avoid it?), but that was no excuse; he'd hurt her thoughtlessly, not maliciously, not by falling for another girl, or by cheating on her, but by not being up front about his true feelings.

He had _never_ come clean to Asami! Never! Even as he'd continued to spend more time with Korra while they were in hiding. Why?! Why hadn't he done the honorable thing and admitted his feelings had changed? Instead, he'd just let the two of them fall apart. It was true that he'd never broken up with Asami. Oh, they'd both accepted that things were over between them; their final break was not ambiguous. They _had_ unquestionably broken up, but _he_ hadn't broken up _with her_ like he was supposed to (not because of his gender, but because he was the one whose feelings had changed). He had said good-bye and accepted her good-bye, but he had never given Asami the honest confession she'd wanted. That she'd deserved. That was his fourth offense. The only reason it finally ended was because _Asami_ had never been in denial about how things stood between them.

It was only right that things hadn't lasted between him and Korra. Had they stayed together, it would have validated everything they'd done – her kissing another girl's boyfriend, him hurting Asami by denying his feelings. Had he been wrong to start dating her in the first place? Not if he truly loved her. He had liked Asami and loved her as a friend, but he had been passionately _in love_ with Korra. (He still loved her, but that was irrelevant now.) They had gone about becoming a couple the wrong way, but since they'd been in love, it was only right that they'd still eventually become a couple. Any other outcome would have required more denial.

Why had things gone so badly for them? Were they being punished by the spirits for their earlier actions? He highly doubted it. Repressed guilt? Possibly. Had Korra been mad at him for breaking Asami's heart? Also possible. Was it his fault they'd fought all the time? No – every fight he remembered started with Korra overreacting to the most innocuous statement. He couldn't say _anything_ to her! Whenever he told her what he honestly thought, she flipped out; when he kept his opinions to himself and just encouraged and agreed with her, she flipped out. He never knew what would set her off; he couldn't do anything right. Why couldn't he ever have even one peaceful conversation with her? It was almost like she'd been trying to push him away. Why? It was pointless to speculate about that. All he knew was that Korra hadn't been happy with him. He was still surprised that _he_ had been the one to break up with her.

Had he been wrong to break up with Korra? Definitely not. They hadn't had a minor disagreement where they both had a point and could have compromised. There had been no halfway point. Her expectation that he lie to the President had been completely irrational, her demands on his conscience impossible to meet. He'd understood her mission to protect her home, but she'd had no right to expect him to lie to the President because of it. Not only was it illegal and immoral – it would have accomplished nothing. If he'd kept his mouth shut and she and Iroh had gone through with their insane plan and gotten caught (and they _would_ have gotten caught), things would have been much worse (and she probably would have yelled at him for not stopping her). He'd done the right thing in telling the President the truth _and_ in realizing, thanks to her reaction, that the two of them were too incompatible to be together.

He was right to accept things weren't working out between them and end their torture. Had he been wrong to accept Asami's advances afterwards? No, if that was all he'd done. It _had_ been soon, as Bolin had pointed out, but a respectable window was only required between relationships when somebody died; there had been no memory of a dead loved one to respect. He was completely free at the time, as was Korra. He hadn't started it – Asami had. She'd kissed him first, asked him out... but he'd accepted it and made it clear it wasn't unwelcome, so who had started it was irrelevant. He and Korra hadn't been together, and Asami had known it, so she was still completely blameless.

_He_ would have been, too, if it had ended there. He wasn't guilty of anything else until the day Korra returned with no memory of their break up... and he'd gone along with it. That was his last and worst offense, with absolutely no justification or excuse whatsoever. It was completely irrational. What good had he expected to come from it? What had he expected to gain by doing it? How could he not have cared how much it would hurt Asami as it happened and Korra when she found out the truth? Why, oh why, had he done it?! The only possible reason that came to him was that he still loved Korra and, in spite of all the problems they'd had, he'd still wanted to be with her. His rational mind had known that was impossible, but he'd ignored it and listened to his irrational desires in that moment, desires that could only be satisfied by faking reality. He _hadn't_ known she'd lost her memory or why she'd acted as if their fight never happened, but that was no excuse. He had known something was wrong, and he hadn't set it right. He'd been too afraid to tell her the truth...

_Afraid... _Mako shuddered as the awful truth hit him. He'd been afraid. That was his motive behind everything he'd done wrong! He'd been afraid to admit his jealousy of Bolin and Korra. He'd been afraid to tell Asami about the kiss. He'd been afraid to accept his feelings for Korra. He'd been afraid to break up with Asami. And most despicably, he'd been afraid to tell Korra they'd broken up. Every time he had lied, concealed, or denied something, it had been out of fear, not out of malice. He had cheated on no one, he had taken advantage of no one. He had lied, not to hurt anyone or gain something by deceiving them, but to evade any situation that made him uneasy. No wonder he hadn't inherited his father's Earthbending – he would rather avoid conflict than confront it, ignore the problem instead of facing it head on like a man should. No, he had never wantonly sported with a girl's affections for his own personal amusement, to satisfy his own vanity, or to give himself a smug sense of power. He was no selfish rake – he was something far worse. He had hurt two girls, not because he hadn't cared about them or had enjoyed tricking them, but because he'd simply been too afraid to act so many times. He was guilty of nothing except being a coward.

He thought he would prefer to be the cheating, backstabbing reprobate everyone saw him as.

Mako's one consolation as he extinguished the candles, his mission accomplished, was that he had grown up since then. He could only vow not to make the same mistake next time he had a chance at love. You learned something from every loss – this was as true in love as it was in Pro-Bending. If his experiences with Asami and Korra had taught him how to be a man, he would consider his own ending as happy as theirs.


End file.
